Exerpt

"It was not so much that I had been blind to the truth. It was just that I had seen the truth differently. I was not able to cope with his flaws, so I twisted them, distorting them until he appeared to be an image of perfection."

An excerpt from the book I am writing based off a mistake.

Walk Back Just A Little Bit Faster

I've been uber busy lately getting ready for finals and my trip to Europe (I leave in a week!).

Anyway, I applied for an internship while I was at USITT. Well, I pretty much gave up on it after having not heard anything for awhile. Last week, I had a second interview and GOT THE JOB!!! I will spend six weeks in Houston working with the Ballet. I will get to call a dance performance or two, as well.

I'm a professional!!!

As mentioned earlier in this blog, I leave for Europe next Monday. I'm uber excited and cannot wait.

And, And... I got a Blackberry!!!

Oh, and I sorta failed at NaPoWriMo.

PostSecret

I'm going to do one of those annoying things where people respond/relate to a postcard on the website postsecret.com.


I saw this secret and it immediately jumped out at me. Partly because I've been struggling with the secret myself for awhile. However, as time has progressed, I've grown much more comfortable with God.

My actual response to this secret is a flipped version.

Church makes me more uncomfortable than I know how to express. I love God. I want to do right. I want to worship Him. But church makes me awkward. I feel as though everyone there is watching me, judging me. I worry that they all know how much I have stumbled in my faith and in my relationship with Christ.

I know that sounds silly, but I go to church and there are all of these people who seem to have this undying, uncontrollable faith and love with God. And I won't lie. I don't have it. And I'm a little envious of their relationships with God, because I don't know how to strengthen mine.

As far as church goes, the music speaks to me much more than the actual sermon. Is that horrible? I feel much closer to Christ when we're singing and listening to the worship music than when I'm actually being taught.

Maybe I just don't like the idea of being taught.

And it's so much worse in larger churches, because there are so many people who seem to have this closer relationship with God. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for them and they have every right to be close to God. Aachhh... this is getting all jumbled in the blog; y'all probably won't understand a word of it. But it's just overwhelming, ya know?

And because there are so many of them, you don't really know anyone. There are no friends along the journey with Christ. At least, that's what it feels like. You don't know your neighbor's name and there's nobody to ask how you're doing. When you fall off the face of the planet, nobody notices.

*headdesk*

I'll just do individual Bible studies for now. Life is confusing. Faith is confusing.

But I do believe in God. With every fibre of my being, I do. And my faith is a comfort to me and has carried me through some rough times.

Which is why I feel so horrible that I seem to struggle so much in my faith.

I'll stop rambling for now.

Finalized Fall Schedule

MWF

9:00 Dramaturgy (3) - Gilpin

10:00 American National Gov't (3) - Dunn 2:00

Practicum (1) - Gilpin Wednesdays Only

T/R

9:30 Spanish I (3) - Mitchell

11:00 Stage Design (3) - Gilpin

1:30 Stage Management TPT (1) - Gilpin Thursdays Only

3:00 Creative Writing (3) - Beggs

Total = 17 Hours

So, it appears that each fall one professor gets an overload of me. Mr. Henshaw was stuck with me last year, Gilpin gets this upcoming fall. So, Beach gets my senior year?

wtf, dream world, wtf

We were having a performance of Much Ado. I get there and I cannot find our MASSIVE two-story set. I ask Gilpin where it is and he has moved it to Arkansas Hall Auditorium (about ten yards from where we are to there) and that I have to move it back alone. So, I'm freaking out, because I can't figure out how. Somehow, I did it. So, we are getting ready for the show and Jeff, who plays Borachio, has cat ears. I told him to take them off, because Dr. Beach, the director, would kill me. And he said, no, they were for another show and he wore real cat ears on stage. Then another actor, Josh, told me he was quitting. I told him he couldn't quit and after all there were only six more shows. And he said that he was going to do another single showcase, because he was tired of Much Ado. However, he went on stage, so I'm assuming he didn't quit. The show starts and suddenly there is an orangey-red glow everywhere. When I finally figure out what it is, the entire building is on fire, but I'm the only one who is worried/freaked out. The show goes on. Suddenly, (and I was semi-conscious at this part) everything is pitch black and I'm upset because I cannot find my light op. I don't know how to work the light board and the show is going on in complete darkness.(then I think I fell into a deeper sleep) Eventually, the lights come back on and I notice that the fountain onstage is gushing water (keep in mind it's only a shallow pull with half an inch of water in it normally), flooding the stage and the studio theatre. So, I have Margaret, Balthazar, Lady 1, and Lady 2 take rags and try to mop it up while in character so the show can go on, but the water keeps coming. The actors aren't getting wet, but there is SO much water. My ASM disappeared and I couldn't find him, but he was there somewhere. Then, our house manager was suddenly on stage trying to act while in street clothes and I'm freaking out, because I have NO IDEA what the hell is going on. The lights dim for a cue, but the aisle lights are on and I keep calling for them to be turned off, but they won't shut off. We somehow survive the performance and flash forward to next week. I'm at portfolio reviews with Dr. Beach and Gilpin, except they were one person. Dr. Beach is talking with Gilpin's voice. She tells me that I need to change my major, because I (and quote) "f***ing such" and can't stage manage anymore. I protest, I know I screwed up, but come on, look at what the show was like. And that I can do better, but I have nothing else in my life. And she is like, "You need to leave. You don't belong here." And I ask her what Mr. Henshaw (another theatre professor) thought and she was like "He's not coming. He hates you so much that he's not even coming to your portfolio review." Oh, and during this whole dream, I was hiding/being chased by my best friend and a stapler. I woke up, crying, freaking the hell out. It was bad. I did NOT take ANYTHING.

Fucking A

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. If I ever get the chance, I will destroy you, like you've done me. I will shake you if it is the last fucking thing I do. I swear it.

In other news, I'm at USITT this week, so I won't be on here as much and I won't have much time to respond or comment. I PROMISE I will as soon as I get back and to a regular computer.

Oh, and we figured out what causes my migraines. I am literally addicted to coffee. If I don't drink it, the headaches start and torment me until I can't move.

I don't think I will ever be a truly healthy, happy person.

I think I made a mistake. Again.

Wonder how my brain works?

Click here: http://chillyjilly23.deviantart.com/art/It-Never-Fades-154540167

Burnin' Bridges

Burnin' Bridges - Jesse James

Spotlights have a funny glow
They can keep you warm
But they can make you go crazy
Always gotta be the show
So you never know
What it's like being in the crowd

Lately I’m hearing people say
You're a runaway and somebody’s got to bring
You back to reality
Help you see the things
That you might've been looking past

I ain't burning bridges
I’m tryin' to mend them
I apologize if I ever hurt your feelings
Got my own convictions
And I've got to live them
I ain't burnin' bridges
That ain't my intention

Ain't got nothin' to hide
Yeah I'm good with God
Soul is naked like water
You and I wouldn't want to see
The girl I’d be if I wouldn't have turned you down

Show me so many things
But the best would be
Never ever roll over
Stand up for what I believe
And eventually everyone will come back around

I ain't burning bridges
I’m tryin' to mend them
I apologize if I ever hurt your feelings
Got my own convictions
And I've got to live them
I ain't burnin' bridges
That ain't my intention

Always three sides to every story
There's yours and there's mine
But we've been ignoring
The truth it hides behind a clear disguise

I ain't burning bridges
I’m tryin' to mend them
I apologize if I ever hurt your feelings
Got my own convictions
And I've got to live them
I ain't burnin' bridges
That ain't my intention

Tentative Fall 2010 Schedule

MWF
8:00 Class Piano (1) - Tsao-Lim (No Friday)
9:00 Spanish I (3) - Mitchell
2:00 Practicum (1) - Gilpin (Wednesday Only)

TR
8:00 Bio Lab (1) - Dunn (Tuesday Only)
11:00 Stage Design (3) - Gilpin
1:30 Intro to Bio (3) - Dunn
3 - 4:15 Creative Writing (3) - Beggs



Other:
TPT (1)

Feel

Feel - Marie Digby

Feels like I spent all this time talking to walls
Feels like I gotta let go of the way it was before
Are your really there? Are you made of stone?
Am I talking to someone or am I here all alone

[Chorus]
Are you alive, don't you feel, feel, feel?
Show me you're here, show me your tears
Don't your feel, feel, feel, feel?
Show me, hold me, speak up and tell me something
Change my mind before it's too late
Are you alive, show me you're human
Can't you feel, feel, feel, feel?

Seems like you're stuck in a daze, slipping away, away
I'm sick of trying to reach you, can't you say what's on your mind
Baby we're losing the race to far behind, behind
Tell me that I'm not the only one who can try, who can fight the wall

[Chorus]
Are you alive, don't you feel, feel, feel?
Show me you're here, show me your tears
Don't your feel, feel, feel, feel?
Show me, hold me, speak up and tell me something
Change my mind before it's too late
Are you alive, show me you're human
Can't you feel, feel, feel, feel?

Sometimes the words they don't get through
What really speaks is what you do
Open up, let me inside, just wanna find you

[Chorus]
Are you alive, are you, are you?
Show me you're here, show me your tears
Don't your feel, feel, feel, feel?
Show me, hold me, speak up and tell me something
Change my mind before it's too late
Are you alive, show me you're human
Can't you feel, feel, feel, feel?

Whoa, wake up, are you dead?

As far as being a writer goes...

had one of my poems compared to e.e. cummings (!!!), another compared to "a lovely fragrant cup of Earl Gray", and another featured. Today has been a good day. Can die happy now? :D

Also, next week, I will receive the lithograph I purchased from a student on campus. It's lovely. And I am in love with it.

My life is great!

My new blog that I post on more often because it's easier.

http://listography.com/DanceWithTheWind

Finally Alone

with the boy

and this is when I like him the most.

Dear Stupid Boy,

I do not Skype you to talk to your stupid friends. Nor do I Skype you to watch you talk to your stupid friends.

And I especially don't appreciate having to sit there and watch that skank flirt with you.

If I look pissed off, GUESS WHAT!? I AM!

I Am Extremely Honored

AND EXCITED!!!

I have been featured by Prodigious Poetry and Prose #PPLit

I am the "Poetry Pick of the Day"

Here's the link:
http://news.deviantart.com/article/110185/
There are five other fantastic writers featured as well.


*squeal*

Real Life Soundtrack Part 2

The second installment of my personally created sountrack. If you haven't read the first, you should.


This has got to be one of the most powerful songs that I have ever heard. I cannot listen to it without crying. It sums up every sort of hurt, every rejection, every love, everything into one song. I have ten versions on my iPod at the moment, and it will keep increasing.

Hallelujah - Countless People


Well, I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
Well it goes like this: the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Well, your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor
You know, I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do you?
But remember when I moved in you
And the holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there is a god above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah


This song is another one of my "I Can Do It!" songs. It's peppy enough to put a skip in your step, but not peppy enough to detract from the meaning.

I Have Confidence - The Sound Of Music


What will this day be like?
I wonder
What will my future be?
I wonder
It could be so exciting
To be out in the world
To be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing
Oh whats the matter with me?

I've always longed for adventure
To do the things I've never dared
Now here i'm facing adventure
Then why am I so scared?

Captin with seven children
Whats so fearsome about that?

Oh I must stop all these doubts
All these worries
If I don't i just know i'll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking
I am seeking the courage I lack

The courage to serve them with reliance
Face my mistakes without defiance
Show them I'm worthy
And while I show them
I'll show me! So!

Lets get rid of all their problem
I'll do better than my best
I have confidence
They'll put me to the test
But I'll make them see
I have confidence in me

Somehow I will impress them
I will be firm but kind
And all those children
Heaven bless them
They will look up to me
And mind me

With each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can be mine
They'll have to agree I have confidence in me

I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides what you see I have confidence in me!

Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumber
When you wake up
Wake up!

All I trust
I give my heart to
All I trust becomes my own
I have confidence
In confidence alone

I have confidence in confidence alone!
Besides what you see I have confidence
In me!!!!!!!!!!!!


The following song is another that has touched me. It's about trying to communicate and misunderstandings. It's about defining yourself and protecting your past. It's about how things seem to happen over and over.

Our Battles - Maria Mena


Our battles are repetitious
if not broken poetry
And maybe that's the attraction
that you're as self-absorbed as me

You jumped to the conclusion and landed on my chest
Now how am I supposed to make you see

I’ll just write this down with hopes that you'll understand
I will no longer be disciplined by the frustrations of an insecure man
And while I kissed your face you'll know that I will no longer apologize for your former lovers' mistakes

My past is mine to keep
Now who are you to question me
Perhaps, someday you'll learn
too bad it's not our turn

You jumped to the conclusion and landed on my chest
Now how am I supposed to make you see

I'll just write this down with hopes that you'll understand
I will no longer be disciplined by the frustrations of an insecure man
And while I kissed your face you'll know that I will no longer apologize for your former lovers' mistakes

You set the standard for my future
You set the standard for my future (lovers)
You set the standard for my future
You set the standard for my future (lovers) x4
You set the standard

I'll just write this down with hopes that you'll understand
I can no longer be disciplined by the frustrations of an insecure man
And as I kiss your face you'll know that I will no longer apologize for you former lovers mistakes

I will write this down
Former lovers' mistakes

Waiting to be Sorted

• What sort of profession in the wizarding world would you choose and why?
  
  As much as I wish I could say I would probably be something exciting like an auror or unspeakable, I imagine I would be either a healer or a secretary. Possibly a teacher of some sort. I enjoy helping others and would love to know that I have made a difference in somebody's life, either by healing them or helping them to realize their own ambition. I'm also very organized and able to assist others in staying on top of things, hence the secretary. I try to be creative, but I think I try just a little to hard. I want to be the best at everything I do and am willing to do the best I can. I love knowledge and learning things. I enjoy conveying those ideas to others.
  
  
  
• You have to venture deep into the Forbidden Forest one night. Pick one Harry Potter character other than Hagrid and one object (muggle or magical), besides your wand, that you'd want with you.
  
  I would probably prefer to have Fleur travel into the forest with me. She's smart and talented, contrary to popular belief. She was a Triwizard champion after all. She also doesn't seem like the type of person who would abandon ship if things got difficult. She did stay with Bill when they expected her to leave. She faced the Weasley's dislike even though it was obvious and did so with grace. She's vibrant and full of life. She'd be a companion who could handle her own and help the night pass quickly.
  
  I would bring a camera or notebook. How many times do you students honestly get to go into the forest (with permission!)? There would be so many sights and events that I would want to capture in some way, shape, or form.
  
  
  
• If you had the opportunity to live forever, but your family and friends did not, what would you choose? And if you did choose to live forever, what would you do with eternity?
  
  No. I wouldn't. I'm too involved in my loved ones. The idea of leaving my friends or family would be painful for short periods of time. If I lived forever, I would have to watch them pass away, watch them grow old and frail, maybe watch them suffer. I'm not the type of person who could handle that well. Especially not if it's a cycle that is going to continue for all eternity. I would remain youthful and vibrant while my loved ones faded away. I'm too frightened of forgetting to live my life like that. I'd rather enjoy the time I have with the people I have NOW, than to live all eternity without them.
  
  
  
• If you could travel back in time to one point, when and where would you go? Why?
  
  I think I would travel back in time to see my father as my mother did. So, just thirty years or so. I know that there isn't a great, historical event that occurred. My father was never present and I felt jilted as a child when there was no father in the stands, no bedtime rituals, and no hugs or kisses. My mother swears he was a good man at one point and when she tells stories, it seems almost like something out of a novel or movie. I want to see the man he once was and not the distant doctor he is now. Even if just for a moment, I want to know that he did care at some point.
  
  
  
• What HP character do you identify with most and why?
  
  I identify the most with Percy Weasley. He is not a bad character, though many think he does. I like to imagine that he was a spy for the Order, though I know that's not likely.
  
  Percy is an ambitious character. He wants the world. He wants to be noticed. In a house with seven children, it would be easy to go unnoticed, especially if one were well-behaved. While he wanted the world, I think more than anything Percy wanted to belong somewhere. He belonged with his family, but due to how easily he was bound to be looked over (not purposely) or teased by his brothers, he probably didn't feel like it. It was a realization that didn't occur until he had left. Percy was good at his job. He made a difference, even just a small one, and was noticed for it. He felt he belonged.
  
  Percy was lost, however. This is something that I think anybody can relate to. Percy didn't know who he was or where he belonged. I imagine his years away from his family were incredibly difficult and allowed him to realize how much his family was part of his identity. His time away from them though allowed him to see who he was away from them. As just Percy. He had to lose himself to find himself.
  
  
  
• What would you see if you looked into the Mirror of Erised?
  
  I think I would see a big family. Loving husband, four or five children. All after having an accomplished career in the arts, of course. :) I would have a place to belong. The epitome of a picket fence life. Maybe a dog or two.
  
  
• Do you believe that moral actions should be judged by the intentions behind them, or by the consequences they create?
  
  Moral actions should be judged by the intentions behind them. If something good happens, it was accidental. If you are out to destroy someone and it backfires, you will still go after them. Intentions define who you are, not the consequences. What you want to happen, what you intend, are what defines you.
  
  
  
• What was your ideal job as a kid? Has that changed? What is your ideal job now?
  
  My ideal job as a child was a mother/performer. Now I would rather be a mother/writer/stage manager. While the career path has changed, I still think that being a mother is the best "occupation" you can have. You form the minds of your children. You better the world through your children and they will be your true legacy. There is very little a mother's love cannot fix and there is nothing as fierce. Deep in my soul, I know that is my true destiny.
  
  
  
• If you were able to invent one spell, potion, or charm, what would it do, what would you use it for or how would you use it, and what would you call it?
  
  If I could create a single potion/spell/charm, it would be something to give the Longbottom's back their sanity. I think it's horribly unfair that they lost out on everything, as did Neville. It was different from just losing one's family. One would be able to see them suffer, see them their, even touch them, but know that while on some level they may recognize you, it's not the same. I don't know what I'd call it, and at the end of the day, I don't think the name would even matter.
  
  
• If you were to face a boggart, what would it turn into? And what does it turn into when you throw the counter-spell, Riddikulus?
  
  If I were to face a boggart, it would probably be a mirror image, or a lost loved one. A lost loved one is obvious. There is nothing that is more stomach-dropping, heart-wrenching awful than losing someone you care about. The mirror image would have to do with my fear of failure and rejection. I'm one of those people who when something like that happens looks within myself to find out what I did wrong.
  
  I don't know what the counter-spell would conjure up. I've never thought I'd be able to handle a boggart. My fears aren't easily dismissed.
  
  
  
• What do you look for in a friend?
  
  I look for intelligence, humor, loyalty, and a touch of quirkiness. I want my friends to be able to challenge me in ways that I didn't realize I could be challenged. That's what friends are there for, to help you better yourself. Friends should be able to know how to make you laugh, smile, cry, anything. And a friend should stick by you no matter what. It is not my place to judge my friends, just to love them. It is my place to care for them when things fall apart and to dance with them when things are going well. Most people have a touch of quirkiness and this is to set them apart. Everyone is unique and it is those that embrace their uniqueness who wind up truly happy.
  
  
  
• What trait most annoys you about other people?
  I do not get along with people who are ridiculously big-headed, people who are constantly boasting about their accomplishments, no matter how small. I cannot stand people who belittle others to make themselves feel better about themselves.
  
  
  
• What do you think are your top five abilities or qualities?
  
  1. Intelligence. I am smart, even if I don't always seem it. Things come relatively easy to me, unless they have to do with science.
  
  2. My devotion. I don't do anything half-assed, whether it is school-related or loving my friends. I am dedicated to everything I find important and give it my heart, body, and soul.
  
  3. I'm opinionated. I know where I stand and I'm not easily swayed, even when I am teased for my beliefs. I am who I am and nobody is going to change me.
  
  4. My lust for life. I love living life. It's an adventure and there's no point in hiding forever, no point in acting ashamed or living a life of regret.
  
  5. My organization. I can find anything I need in my home or workplace. I know what needs to be done, what has been finished, and what comes next.
  
  
  
• What do you think are your top five weaknesses or worst qualities?
  
  1. I'm prideful. I have difficulty apologizing or admitting I was wrong.
  
  2. I fall into temptation easily, especially when it comes to those I love.
  
  3. My harshness. If I get annoyed or aggravated, I am very blunt, more blunt than I realize. I often hurt the feelings of those I care for and don't mean to.
  
  4. I don't let go easily. I will hold onto things even if the hurt me. It usually takes someone who cares for me to snap me out of it.
  
  5. I fidget. I CANNOT sit still for the life of me. Even typing this out has been difficult. I've gotten up multiple times to dance to my iPod or fix a cup of coffee or brush my hair.
  
  
  
• Define in your own words the following key traits:
  
  
  
  • Courage: facing your fears, even if you are scared. Sometimes it takes someone's help, but it's being strong enough to look fear in the face and say, "I will live my life."
    
  • Loyalty: Staying with those you care about, through thick and thin. Even when they make mistakes, even when they aren't perfect. You stay because you love them.
    
  • Intelligence: Understanding things easily or working hard to understand things. Intelligence = understanding
    
  • Ambition: A drive to accomplish your dreams.
    
  
  
  
• Name: Jill
  
• Age: 19
  
• Where did you find out about us? A friend
  
• Do you plan on being active in the communities once you are sorted? Yes
  

Why do I even try?

Seriously... how often do we get a chance to talk and flirt and goof off?

Yet, EVERY time there are fifty bajillion people in your room.

And the one there the most often is the girl who does like you, but you're too stupid to realize it. And because she is NEVER NOT FUCKING THERE I can't bring it up.

That nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach

Ever had a suspicion? One you've had before? One that terrifies you?

The kind of suspicion that you know from the past can come true? The kind of suspicion that logic cannot get rid of? In fact, logic strengthens?

Ever had the kind of suspicion that you swear won't happen?

The kind where you swear you won't cry if it does?

The kind of suspicion that eats you from the inside out? That won't let images fade away? The kind that flashes like kodak film across your eyelids whenever you dare blink?

The kind of suspicion that clogs your airways? Suffocates you? That sinks into your pores and lodges itself in your arteries?

Ever had the kind of suspicion that killed?

Dear Girl,

Dear girl (who shall remain nameless),

I know you like my boyfriend. It's pretty friggin' obvious.

If you try something I will kick your stupid ass to the moon. Bitch don't play.

Sincerely,
The Girlfriend

Just Noting...

But when you call your religious beliefs "shenanigans", I'm not going to take you terribly seriously. Nobody is. Don't get upset when people think you are playing at it when you make it seem like some sort of game.

It may make me seem like a bitch, but whatever. When you act like it's some game you play to cheer up, that's how people are going to see it. They are going to see this as some rebellious phase and simply wait for you to snap out of it or expect you to stop.

Get over it.

Because James McClure Wrote the Words For Me

Well, I love Roy, Hattie, and he needs me right now. He doesn't know it. But he does. And I'm going to be here.

Super Bowl Sunday

You know you have no life when people are talking about some football game and it takes you ALL morning to realize they are talking about the super bowl.

Who’s playing again?

Actually, I have a life. My life is theatre. In every sense of the word.

In fact, I’m missing the big game for tech!

Why I Would LOVE a New Computer...

Computer froze during an online astronomy quiz. On the FIRST question. Computer locked up and shut down. Quiz was still counted. Made a zero.

Screw you, Angel Learning. Screw you.

Next week and beyond, I'm going to the library to take these quizzes.

F my life.

:D

I know what tattoo I am going to get now.

It's going to be bitchin' awesome.

Rebuked

So, my best friend from high school won't have anything to do with me anymore. How the hell am I supposed to feel about that? I know we haven't kept in touch the way we used to, but I'm not the only one to blame. You are just as able to pick up the phone or write an e-mail. We can't see each other all the time, because I live forever away.

This is the girl who was like a sister to me. She practically lived with me throughout highschool. I told her EVERYTHING.

And now... it's like I don't even exist anymore.

Screw that.


"So I return rebuked to my content, And gain by ill thrice more than I have spent."
-> William Shakespeare

Goals

Short Term Goals:

Within the next year, I hope to expand my theatre experience with university, community and professional shows. Over the summer of 2010, I intend to participate in my local community theatre. I was unable to apply for summer stock due to scheduling conflicts. During the next school year, I hope to stage manage another show here on campus, as well as take the stage management theatre production techniques class.
During the fall of this year, I will begin submitting applications to summerstock companies. My top choices are currently Santa Fe, Tahoe, and Utah. However, I am always open to suggestions, particularly if there are any opera programs that I haven’t discovered.
Next fall, I will begin taking Spanish to fulfill my language credits. This will include the Spanish drama class, so that I can learn more about theatre in other cultures. It is my goal to become fluent, before attempting the French or German language, while here at Henderson. At some point, I wish to begin learning Italian. I am going to start with personal programs until I am able to find a tutor to assist me with the language.
With the intention of increasing my ability to read music, I will be resuming piano in the fall. I believe that doing so will increase my marketability both to graduate programs and future employers.
As I continue to study here at Henderson State University, I will be maintaining a high G.P.A.
I will be applying for the stage management mentorship program with U.S.I.T.T. next year. If this falls through, I hope to be a student volunteer again. While at U.S.I.T.T. in 2011, I hope to sit for a portfolio review.

Long Term Goals:

After graduating from Henderson in the Spring of 2013, I will be attending graduate school. It is my hope to attend the College-Conservatory of Music at the University of Cincinatti to obtain a Masters of Fine Arts. I want to stage manage opera and as far as I can tell, they are the best equipped for such training.
My second graduate school option is the University of Delaware Professional Theatre Training Program. The program focuses on the classics, something I would enjoy greatly. Second to Opera, it would be my dream job. The program is intense and I feel it would better prepare me for the life I want.
It is my ultimate goal (and far-fetched dream) to stage manage productions either at La Scala in Milan or at The Globe in London.

I'm Not A Stable Person

I know that, alright? I know that I flip-flop and that my emotions are like a roller coaster. One minute I absolutely love a person and the next I can't stand them. That's just a part of who I am. I don't have the best people skills. I know that, too. I struggle to be nice and not be horrible. And a lot of the time, I succeed.

Do not call me a bitch, because the only way I know how to protect or defend myself is by being "abrasive." I'm not required to be nice all the time.

I do bounce around like a rubber ball in a rubber room (would that actually work?). I don't know why, just that I do. I know that I can go MONTHS at a time and do nothing but cry. I know that I can go quite a while normal and happy. And I know that there are times, I go nuts. I do crazy things and I can't control myself.

I can't help it.

Not without drugging myself up. I'm happier being a bouncy ball, k thx.

I'm 99.9% Sure

it's love.

This is going to come out all wrong...

I'm hung up on a guy. Not like it's a bad thing. He is, after all, my boyfriend. We've been dating for six months. However, there's this sense in my chest. You know, like it would hurt if he left. I don't like this. At all. Seriously.

I hate that I wait for his texts or that I get frustrated when we can't Skype for quite a few days. Seriously, when did I start caring about men and what they were up to or what they thought. Or wanting to talk to him when I've had a bad day... or when I've had a good day. I want to hear about his day, no matter how dull. This isn't the way it was planned... I'm not sure what I had planned, but it wasn't this... It wasn't supposed to start feeling like "love". At least not like what I thought it felt like before.

I thought I swore those days were over, that I would never give anybody a chance to hurt me.

So, why?

Personality

Extraversion (63%):
easily expresses emotions, not drained by social interaction, smiles a lot, believes most people like or will like them, bold, likes to lead, would rather be a participant than an observer, gregarious, loves night life activities and crowds, likes to participate in group discussions, oftens assumes the role of "Entertainer" or "Performer", easy to get to know, spends more time with others than alone, competes for the spotlight, fits in most places, likes to be popular, frequently touches people, spontaneous, likes to amuse, optimistic, social chameleon, charmer, tends to be confident

Stability (10%)

Orderliness (50%):

systematic, scheduled, planned, prefers structure, disciplined, desires the predictability of routine and habit, responsible, does things by the book, meets obligations on time, uncomfortable with imperfection, hard working, serious, practical, plans ahead, focuses on achieving goals, cautious, more logical than abstract, plays it safe, success driven, achiever, not easily distracted, law abiding, detail oriented and sometimes obsessed, prefers the familiar to the unfamiliar, likes the security of working for a company

Accommodation (63%):

nice, happiest when helping and giving to others, does not mind serving others, unselfish, generous, self sacrificing, other-centric, warm, caring, loving, peaceful, modest, has trouble saying no, has trouble being firm, does not enjoy fighting, very loyal, prefers team victories over personal glory, wants everyone to get along, not manipulative, drawn to public service fields, good listener, comforter, not materialistic, honest, agreeable, nurturing

Intellectual (80%)

likes gadgets, analytical, problem solver, knowledgeable, philosophical, observant, curious, synthesizer, perceptive, enjoys games of strategy, prescient, questioner, inventive, introspective, relies more on mind than others, more influenced by self than others, brainstormer, nerdy, looks for hidden patterns, seeks meaning, rationalist, bibliophile, likes science fiction, more humanitarian, more likely to be a meglomaniac, more likely to pursue higher academia, computer/technology savvy, off beat sense of humor, more likely to shop online, more solitary, more artistic than average, values education, more experimental, hangs out mostly with other intellectuals, attracted to the counter culture, likes to get lost in thought

Interdependence (30%)

more likely to see themselves as basically good, good at taking advice, loves birthdays, prefers to do things with others, easier to get to know, more expressive about feelings, likes to be part of a group, learns better with others, more trusting, more positive, more likely to be content, tends to be traditional, does not like to be without guidance, more likely to feel indebted/grateful to parents, values society, more open, less intellectual, less rigid, relationship-oriented

Mystical (70%):

feels pulled to the symbolic, archetypal, and mysterious; likes to look weird, believes in extra sensory perception, lives an experimental life, frequently reinvents self, more abstract than logical, more likely to be a trauma survivor, looks for hidden meaning, attracted to weirdness, different, off beat, unpredictable, more solitary, focus on fantasies more than reality, drawn to artistic and cutting edge industries, bohemian, prefers autonomy, erotic, charmer, insightful, prefers strange clothing

Materialism (60%):

wealth seeking, prefers extravagence, superficial, believes the bigger the pay check the more important the person, more competitive, more selfish, more preoccupied with money, more likely to believe they deserve to have whatever they want (sense of entitlement), seeks status and power relative to peers, more likely to believe there is nothing wrong with marrying partly for money, disdains financial insecurity, avoids losing status and control, looking good is more important than comfort, believes in success through appearances, second place is not good enough, more manipulative, has a need for applause, less generous, loves to win awards, more likely to do things primarily for own benefit, gets angry when they don't get when they want, more used to getting their way, prefers instant gratification

Narcissism (70%):

use their looks to get what they want, is able to plan and work towards goals successfully, loves themself, optimistic, sparkling, achiever, self promoting, self assured, success driven, thinks they can charm anyone, ambitious, elegant, thinks they are better looking than most people (which they may or may not be), believes that they are special, more a leader than a follower, believes that other people are envious of them, loves to win awards, fits in most places, seductive, purposeful, believes in success through appearances, assertive, goal oriented, would love to have buildings and monuments named after them, believes they deserve all the good things they have, likes to be popular

Adventurousness (70%):

does not worry about consequences, tends to do dangerous things without adequate precautions, always seeking new challenges, unpredictable, lives for pleasure, loves physical exertion, loves to test their strength, more desire than fear, loves night life and crowds, adrenaline junkie, impulsive, enjoys fighting, open to pretty much anything, believes that fun is the most important thing in life, loves to exercise, not opposed to breaking laws, prefers the unfamiliar to the familiar, prefers autonomy, likes to perform, ambitious, uninhibited, likes camping, erotic, likes to lead, most people think they are crazy, remains calm when others panic, cannot sit still, has an all or nothing personality, self-promoting, risk taker, brave, likes to be different

Work Ethic (90%):

desires accomplishment, determined, hard working, goal-oriented, can forget to eat and sleep when focused on work, achiever, success driven, perfectionist, motivated, does things by the book, meets obligations on time, disciplinarian, planner, ambitious, responsible, purposeful, self-controlled, workaholic, over-achiever, focused, not afraid of a high stress job, likes the security of working for a company, good trouble-shooter, was mature at a young age, does not give up until the work is done, logical, wants to be capable and competent

Conflict-Seeking (90%):

quick-tempered, more war than peace, likes to instigate anger in others, can be hurtful, arrogant, says mean things intentionally, makes enemies, prone to verbal rants, enjoys fighting, more likely to be aggressive than form alliances, more rough than tender, competitive, can be crude, likes to antagonize people, finds it easy to manipulate others, does not treat others as they would like to be treated, reckless, impulsive, destructive, insult artist, brutally honest, all or nothing personality, gets attention through negative behavior, believes it is necessary to be ruthless to be successful, unpredictable, thinks most people are idiots, comes on too strong, more a leader than a follower

Need To Dominate (90%):

quick-tempered, likes to manage others, bossy, second place is not good enough, can be hurtful, games are only fun if they win, comes on too strong, wants things done their way, competes for the spotlight, used to getting their way, powerful, strong, own-person, tough, leader, vindictive, controlling, finds it easy to manipulate others, has authoritarian tendencies, tries to surpass the accomplishments of others, has a need for applause, uses others and self to achieve goals, wealth-seeking, self-promoting, arrogant, self-confident, likes to correct people, seeks status and power relative to peers, self-absorbed, competitive, makes enemies, can be crude, enjoys fighting, has an all or nothing personality, enjoys antagonizing people

Romantic (30%):

merges and feels intimate oneness with others, wants to feel loved, fears being unwanted, finding true love is their main passion in life, romantic idealist, can't control their romantic feelings or thoughts, when in a relationship their attention is entirely focused on that person, desires secure relationships above all else, feels best when they are admired, would sacrifice anything for love, believes love is salvation, gets very attached to people, more sensual than intellectual, would rather be in a mediocre relationship than alone, loves getting massages, desires more attention, concerned about being attractive to a potential soul mate, swayed by emotions, fears having no guidance or support, frequently feels loving towards others

Avoidant (70%)

loner, limits social interaction because it's draining, does not express emotions easily, shy, does not like most people, does not think most people like them, nothing really pleases them, prefers to dress down (hide attractiveness), considered weird by others, values personal privacy above personal relationships, feels dejected and better off alone, neglects self, has low self esteem issues, can't find meaning in life, seeks wholeness through isolation, hard to get to know, emotionally numb, even in a relationship they desire a sense of seperateness, thinks life is overrated, would rather be alone then risk rejection, thinks people would not like them if they really knew them, feels like an outsider, afraid to show it when they like some one, aversion to physical contact, somewhat asexual, prone to shame, existentially depressed, prone to focus on suffering, bitter, does not like happy people, poor self image, anhedonic

Anti-Authority (90%):

resents supervision, does not like to be bound by schedules or habits, prefers to do things when they feel ready, appreciation for anarchy, has a need for complete freedom, would rather work for self than a company, questions everything, wants things done their way, prone to behavior problems in school, gets angry when they don't get what they want, subversive, tends to dislike organized religion, fears confinement, values loyalty, challenging

Wealth (10%):

can afford more luxuries than most people, believes they get what they want because of how they look, grew up feeling well off, spoiled by parents, considers themself elegant, used to getting their own way, believes the bigger the pay check the more important the person, success-driven, loves to win awards, believes looking good is more important than comfort, uses their looks to get what they want, self-promoting, wealth-seeking, comes from wealthy family, achiever, has no problem with the gap between the rich and poor widening, interested in hierarchy and prestige

Dependency (30%):

not confident, prone to mistakes, indecisive, desires security and support, fears having no guidance or support, frequently feels envious, not productive without reassurance, gets very attached to people, feels guilty when they disagree with people, seeks acceptance and recognition from peers, dramatizes their suffering, impressionable, can be talked into doing things, fears being unwanted or unworthy of love, never knows what to do next, personality is centered around low self-esteem issues, swayed by emotions, can't handle people being mad at them, freezes up in stressful situations, influenced more by others than self, avoids responsibilities, life lacks direction, prone to paranoia, prone to shame, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness

Change Averse (10%):

follows fairly predictable patterns in life, prefers to stick with things they know, routine and habit make them feel secure, prefers the familiar to the unfamiliar, the habits they have now they will have a year from now, does not like to be without guidance, prefers the proven to the experimental, gets very attached to things, wants everything to add up perfectly, desires security and support, more past than future oriented, frequently feels envious, predictable, can't adjust well to new situations, does things by the book, avoids being called on in group discussions, would not enjoy being an entrepreneur

Cautiousness (70%):

proceeds with care in most endeavors, favors sameness and consistency to surpises, does things by the book, feels that something bad will happen if they let their guard down, not reckless, prefers structure, thinks the world is a dangerous place, prefers the familiar to the unfamiliar, wants everything to add up perfectly, protective of their feelings, prone to paranoia, fears being harmed or controlled, suspicious of others until they have proven themselves trustworthy, worries about making the wrong choices, thinks of things in terms of costs and benefits, prioritizes personal safety, more contemplation than action, perfectionist, refiner, goal-oriented, trouble shooter, prefers to stick with what they know, worries about consequences

Individuality (70%):

believes they are very odd, likes to behave and or dress in a shocking manner, drawn to artistic and cutting edge industries, wants to be as independent from society as possible, likes to look wierd, self-expressive, most people think they are crazy, desires autonomy / complete freedom, frequently reinvents self, unpredictable, more random than controlled, drawn to careers where creativity is a solitary pursuit, more abstract than concrete, grew up feeling that they had to stand out to be happy, attracted to the counter culture, dissatisfied with the ordinary and non-dramatic, pursues the extroadinary and intense, prefers weird friends, thinks they are a trend setter, lives an experimental life, driven by curiousity, reckless, novelty-seeking, fond of anarchy, bohemian, feels like they lose a sense of self when the agree with people

Sexuality (60%):

more kinky than vanilla, erotic, feels pleasure should play a central role in life, not oppossed to strip clubs, promiscuous tendencies, likes to be naked, seductive, loves getting massages, likes to dress provocatively, merges and feels intimate oneness with others, believes love is proven through physical expression, believes they get what they want because of how they look, more sensual than intellectual, uses looks to get what they want, believes personal relationships are more important than personal privacy, would rather risk rejection than remain alone, not afraid to show their feelings when they like someone, impulsive, charmer

Peter Pan Complex (20%):

avoids responsibilities, people tell them they are childish and need to grow up, would rather live in their head than the real world, wants success to just happen to them, focuses on fantasies more than reality, believes they deserve to have whatever they want, life lacks direction, never know what to do next, does dumb things frequently, inconsistent performance, lazy, slacker, does the minimum to get by, does things without thinking, does not feel they have any reason to accomplish anything, tend to ignore or put off problems, believes fun is the most important thing in life, most people think they are crazy, forgets scheduled appointments, more past than future, gets attention through negative behavior

Histrionic (30%):

strong need for applause, gets angry and frustrated if they don't get what they want, likes to be popular, believes winning is no fun unless people know you won, desires more attention, competes for the spotlight, grew up feeling they had to stand out to be happy, gets attention through negative behavior, self-absorbed, frequently feels envious, likes to manipulate others, superficial, tends to become involved with people quickly, feels best when admired, wants things done their way, used to getting their way, uses their looks to get what they want, quick-tempered, impulsive, vain, loves to win awards, performer, entertainer, pleasure-seeking, swayed by emotions, prefers instant gratification, self-promoting, believes in success through appearances, wealth-seeking

Vanity (70%)

uses looks to get what they want, arrogant, self-absorbed, believes they can get what they want because of how they look, believes in success through appearances, cares about how they look to others, believes looking good is more important than comfort, feels best when others find them physically attractive, believes other people are envious of them, superficial, feels best when admired, attentive to appearance, spends a lot of time thinking about what is attractive, feels they are better looking than most people, competes for the spotlight, self-promoting, feels both superior and defective, likes to manipulate others, seductive, likes to be popular, used to getting their way, reckless with money, wealth-seeking, does things primarilly for the benefit of themself, does not like to be friends with people who are physically unattractive, tends to wear tight fitting clothing if female, desires more attention, assumes most people like them

Artistic (90%):

drawn to artistic and cutting edge industries, drawn to careers where creativity is a solitary pursuit, more abstract than concrete, original, appreciates beauty, ideal love seeking, intense, imaginative, introspective, likes indie rock music, prone to an interest in acting, likes art house movies, self-expressive, likes to look weird, pulled to the symbolic and mysterious, likes to perform, prone to keeping a journal, attracted to the counter culture, interested in journalism, odd, trend setter, different, lives an experimental life, prefers shopping at organic markets, attracted to weirdness, more likely to be vegetarian, dislikes the ordinary and non-dramatic, feels both special and defective

Hedonism (50%):

willing to break the law if the monetary benefit is great enough, likes tattoos, likes strip clubs, prone to substance abuse, prone to shoplifting, thinks marijuana should be legalized, not opposed to breaking laws, promiscuous, prone to cheat in relationships, kinky, likes to dress provocatively, believes pleasure should play a central role in life, can be crude, believes religion is foolish, does not worry about consequences of actions, addictive tendencies, more a night person than a day person, erotic, more likely to have been on anti-depressants, gets attention through negative behavior, reckless with money, prone to nihilism, unpredictable, self-destructive

Physical Fitness (60%):

feels in good shape and look forwards to a long happy life, good self image, proud of health and strength, strives to improve self, more elegant, feels they are better looking than most people, high self-esteem, loves physical exertion, more likely to wear tight fitting clothing if female, less prone to eating disorders, less likely to have health problems, takes care of self, athletic, more likely to be thin, more likely to get up early, more experimental, more likely to like popularity, more likely to have worked as a model, eats healthier

Religious (80%):

closest confident is a Higher Power, has more belief than doubt, prefers to let religion not themself decide the meaning of their life, more opposed to strip clubs, believes that life is meaningful, more likely to revere holidays and traditions, considers themself very spiritual, more likely to be politically conservative, more opposed to euthanasia, fears being corrupt or evil, old-fashioned, more likely to think abortion should be outlawed, has faith things will work out, would sacrifice their life for a good enough cause, more caring, more honest, more generous, prude, more modest, drawn to public service, more purposeful

Paranoia (60%):

suspicious of others until they have proven themselves trustworthy, more doubt than belief, preoccuppied with death and suffering, fears being harmed or controlled, bitter, looks for hidden meaning in things, personality is centered around low self-esteem issues, feels misunderstood, thinks people would not like them if they really knew them, defensive, often experiences disgust, love-hate relationships with most things, likes to test people's loyalty, thinks life is overrated, focuses on suffering, feels like an outsider, existentially depressed, does not trust what people say, prone to shame, suffers from depression, knows the dark side of life very well, attracted to things associated with sadness, would rather remain alone than risk rejection, hard to get to know, makes enemies, loner

Hypersensitivity (10%):

tends to get too emotional, can't take it easy, feels gloomy and distraught frequently, more past than future, more feeling than doing, not confident in their opinions or abilities, dislikes themself, prone to paranoia, affected by the moods of others, broody, envious, ideal love seeking, expressive, dramatic, tempermental, impressionable, swayed by emotions, fears loss and separation, poor self image, gets very attached to people and things, hopeless romantic, focuses on suffering, desires security and support, defensive, suffers from loneliness, feels invisible, fears rejection in relationships, can't control romantic feelings and thoughts, existentially depressed, suffers from depression, prone to shame, prone to panic attacks, feelings guide most of their behavior, can't handle people being mad at them, dreams about a rescuer, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness, familiar with the role of victim, worries they will make the wrong choices, conflicts between thoughts and feelings, desires more attention

Indie (50%):

experimental, cynical, anti-corporation, more likely to be averse to organized religion, environmental, computer/technology savvy, solitary at times, nihilistic, anti-materialism, attracted to the counter culture, observant, likes obscure books / movies / music, unconventional, eccentric, curious, non-traditional, internally driven, more narcissitic than average, enviromentally aware

Stability results were very low which suggests you are extremely worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

Guess it explains a lot...

Take it here:http://similarminds.com/cgi-bin/city101.pl

You, Sir, are an ass!

So, I have technical writing with a friend. Our final project we have to write a grant proposal. I whisper excitedly that I know just the thing to write about: the ropes for the fly system. I head back to work, clock in, and put my stuff away. I then go to talk to the faculty member who would be able to tell me more about the ropes. As I get closer, I notice the friend talking to him. When I get to them and hear what they're discussing.

THE SON OF A BITCH STOLE MY TOPIC!!!

And since the writing professor doesn't want us to write about the same things, I HAVE TO FIND A NEW TOPIC!

Dear Neighbor,

I know that I'm old-fashioned, but at two in the morning you should be asleep. NOT PLAYING MUSIC THAT SHAKES MY ENTIRE APARTMENT! Some of us do like to see the sun in the morning.

GO TO BED!

Sincerely,

Your grouchy bitch neighbor

PS. I will call the police

Obsess Much?

I'm a very obsessive person.

I obsess over things I've said or want to say until the point that I've made myself sick.

I've also struggled with the obsession over weight. I'm terrified of getting "fat".

I obsess over grades.

I obsess over shows. I put my all into them, but that means that I pretty much eat, drink, and sleep the show.

I think what I obsess over the most would have to be what "the other women" had that I didn't. I go through the list multiple times daily, trying to figure out what was so flawed that my ex had to run to other women. The ironic thing: I haven't found it yet. It doesn't help the obsession.

Friends Don't Do This. Right?

Is it wrong that I'm upset over a friend suddenly becoming friends with one of the girls my ex-boyfriend slept with when were together?

The friend and I used to be really close. We were best friends until she moved to California, then when she came back to NC, I was getting ready to move to Arkansas. And as people do we drifted.

But she was there during the whole ex-boyfriend thing (I dumped him last December.). All two years of it.

This girl made a point of sending me photos and flaunting the fact that he was fucking her behind my back.

There hanging out today. Actually, right now.

And I'm hurt. And a little pissed.

Am I horribly in the wrong?

2010

Resolutions:

1. Write everyday.
2. Take at least one picture a day.
3. Eat healthier.
4. Work out regularly.
5. Work on my relationships
6. Get neat and tidy and stay that way
7. Make straight A's.
8. Work on my attitude.
9. Stay true to myself/Discover myself
And last, but not least...
10. Get closer to God.

What is planned thus far for 2010:

1. Laundry and Bourbon/Lonestar (Stage Managing!)
2. USITT Conference
3. Much Ado About Nothing (Stage Managing!)
4. Europe Trip
5. Community Theatre

Stand by Me

Gordie: Fuck writing, I don't want to be a writer. It's stupid, it's a stupid waste of time.
Chris: That's your dad talking.
Gordie: Bullshit.
Chris: Bull true.
Chris: I know how your dad feels about you. He doesn't give a shit about you! Denny was the one he cared about and don't try to tell me different. Your just a kid, Gordie.
Gordie: Oh, gee, thanks, Dad!
Chris: Wish the hell I was your dad. You wouldn't be goin' around talkin' about takin' these stupid shop courses if I was. It's like God gave you something man, all those stories you can make up. And He said, "this is what we got for ya kid, try not to lose it." Kids lose everything unless there's someone there to look out for them. And if your parents are too fucked up to do it, then maybe I should!

Dear 2009

Dear 2009,
We’ve had some great times, haven’t we? Well, some rough ones too. It seems we’ve survived thus far. I’ve worn your security like a warm cloak, used you to cushion my fall. You’ve been with me, close to me, for so long. You were there to pick me up after 2008 left me shattered on the pavement where she dropped me. You were there, helping me nurse my wounds and pick up the pieces. You did all you could to keep me from hurting myself with the shards of a past life. You pulled me from the wreckage and helped me regain my footing. You were there to catch me in case I fell as I began to relearn how to walk alone.
You and I struggled at times, when things go really hard and I wanted to run back to ‘08 and the person I was with her. But you never let me. You held onto me, even when I fought my hardest. And when things got to be too much for me, you wrapped yourself around me and promised better tomorrows.
But more importantly, you helped me rediscover myself. You held my hand until I was able to walk alone. You taught me independence and how to love myself. For that I will be eternally grateful. You changed me.
Yet, no matter how great we are together, I feel that our time together must end. It’s not you and you must never think that. It’s me. I just need more. I’m not scared anymore and it’s thanks to you. However, my lack of fear and my newfound independence mean that I no longer need to be taken care of. I’m finally strong enough to hold my own.
I fear that I must tell you something, lest you hear it from somebody else. I’ve found someone else, a new year. He’s able to offer me a new beginning, something you are unable to give. He’s offering me the unknown and adventure. It’s something I just can’t pass up, but you knew that, didn’t you?
Please don’t think this has anything to do with you. I will always be grateful for everything we have shared. You will always have a special place in my heart and in me memory.
Love,
Me