A Little Pet Peeve of Mine

People who comment on my facebook statuses, trashing my beliefs.

You don't have to agree with everything I say, but you should have the common decency to respect the fact that I have my own beliefs.

Being a conservative does not make me wrong. Just like being a liberal does not make you right.

I am allowed to be passionate about certain things, such as terrorists somehow getting aboard a plane, and you are allowed to be passionate about others, such as the healthcare bill passing.

I respect you. Respect me back.

Us "right-wing extremists" have feelings too.

In My Never To Be Humble Opinion:

I think we need to stop calling the terrorist a “suspect”. We know he had explosives. We know he intended to take down that plane. Now is when we interrogate the SOB before shooting him in the face. KThx.

Stop treating these horrible people like they're worth the time of day.

I still don't know how he can't through security. UGH......

Broken People

Everyone is broken to some degree. Some people are more broken than others, but we are all broken. As Plato said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

However, you cannot fix broken people. You can only be there to help them fix themselves, but you cannot fix them without them. When you try to fix smebody who doesn’t want to be fixed, you hurt yourself. Sometimes, you hurt yourself to the breaking point. You can break yourself attempting to help someone else. You cannot save somebody who does not want to be saved.

And eventually, it gets to the point where you have to abandon ship in order to keep yourself from sinking. They will drown you if you let them. They will drag you down with their undertoe, deeper and deeper, as their own waves of suffering crashes over your head.

And they won’t care.

The Boogeyman

I wrote in my final pyschology paper that I could not write a first-person reflective paper. Instead, I wrote a third-person short story. In the cover letter, explaining, I wrote that talking about it only made it real and that I was not willing to give the boogeyman life again.

While I’m not quite to the point of be ing ready to truly discuss my demons, I’m slowly beginning to realize that sealed lips can also sink ships. Staying silent, internalizing an issue, doesn’t make the boogeyman any less real. He’s always there, lurking in the back of your mind. You are still vulnerable and he can still prey upon yor unsuspecting soul. Talking about the boogeyman may make him seem more real, but at least you aren’t facing him alone. You have a support system to help you face him.

Maybe one day, I’ll be able to say more than “It’s bad.” or “I can’t.”

Hell, at this point, I should probably just put it all on paper. Though then the boogeyman is not only real, but forever immortalized, engraved forever upon the world.

Haunted

Your demons will come back to haunt you. You cannot escape them, cannot escape your past or who you once were. Your demons will continue to surface again and again. No matter how far you run or where you hide. You have to face them. They won’t leave you alone until you do. The ghosts of your past only get more creative as time passes.

You simply have to embrace it. No matter what others say; there is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you for making mistakes or for letting things get to you. Your demons are part of you. You have to accept them so that you can be fully “integrated”. It’s a learning process.

On that note, your friends, your true friends, love you, demons and all. They know you have flaws, just like you know they do. They love them, because they are a part of you.

iPods suck.

My mom is trying to fix my 80 GB iPod Classic.

Not like I’ve spent the past two days attempting to fix it. I’ve done everything that I could think of and everything that was suggested by Apple and others. My computer won’t recognize it.

My mom is going to reformat. Not like I’ve done that a bazillion times.

Oh well, maybe she’ll get it fixed and I can have my baby back.

Not going to get my hopes up, but if she gets it to work, I might cry.

No joke.

Everytime It Rains

I love this song. Though my 17 year-old brother is a little obsessed.

We have decide that it is going to play at his wedding, his funeral, and in the background during his Valedictorian speech.

My Real Life Soundtrack, Part One

This is inspired by Blake’s “Sevas Tra” note awhile back. I was going to *steal* the idea then, but struggled to think of the right songs. Tonight while my iPod was on shuffle, I reconnected with certain songs that helped form who I am or songs that really helped me. I will continue adding songs as time passes. I will warn you now. It’s pretty ecclectic. Enjoy! :D

I will also warn you… my reasons for choosing these songs are WORDY. I’m pretty verbose. My apologies.

Sadly this song is not on my iPod. I discovered it on Youtube around a year and a half ago. It is easily the most played video on my account. Maria Mena has a stunning voice and even more stunning lyrics. However, she is most popular in Norway. Since her one album released to the US isn’t terribly popular, none of her others are available. I am currently not willing to pay absurd amounts of money for a cd. :P Bad fan… I know. Anyway, back to the song. Pretty much perfect description of life. If I had to pick a theme song for my life, this would be one of the top choices.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy - Maria Mena

Self hatred grows in me like cancer
I can’t locate its whereabouts but its feeding on its host
I expected him to have the answers
I thought I taught him how to love me
Now he fears me like a ghost

Self-fulfilling prophecy
You’re the only guaranteed loyalty
In this town
Full of violent mothers
Cheating fathers
Leaving lovers
I swear to you, I’ll never love again

This hunger grows inside me like a tumor
The dizziness just compliments
This failure of a girl
I’m settled now
The show of mine consumes me
But every pound I shed
Speaks volumes of my lack of self control

Self fulfilling prophecy
You’re the only one that dare speak truth about me
In this town of
Well intentioned mothers
Starving daughters
Worried lovers
I swear to you, I’ll never eat again

Self-fulfilling prophecy
You never fail to comfort me
In this town filled with
Violent mothers
Cheating fathers
Leaving lovers
Angry brothers
Starving daughters
Starving daughters
Worried lovers
I swear to you, I’ll never trust again

I know what you’re going to say. “A Beyonce song? This girl has lost it.” Normally, I’d agree, but this is sorta a description of certain people. People that I am uber grateful for. People that I don’t think I would have survived, would survive without. People who didn’t turn their backs on me when I turned mine on them or people who loved me when I hated myself. People who knew when to let certain things drop and when to make me talk. Friends who let me cry on their shoulders or who let me call them at three in the morning to talk, because it was the only time we weren’t both busy. Thanks, y’all. <3>

Halo - Beyonce

Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they’re tumbling down
And they didn’t even put up a fight
They didn’t even make up a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It’s like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin’
It’s the risk that I’m takin’
I ain’t never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You’re the only one that I want
Think I’m addicted to your light

I swore I’d never fall again
But this don’t even feel like falling
Gravity can’t forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Feels like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin’
The risk that I’m takin’
I’m never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Halo, halo

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

It’s kind of ironic that I chose this song. I used to HATE it. No, like really. With the fiery burning passion of a thousand suns. I even stopped listening to Sugarland after this song. It pissed me off to no end. The audacity that someone had to have to be the other woman and lament. I was disgusted.
Somehow, however, it wound up on my iPod. I have no idea how, but it did. The device was on shuffle a few weeks ago and my hands were too busy to skip it, so I was forced to listen to it. After listening to it, I made myself listen again. By the third time through, I was crying. It seems as though I’ve spent the majority of my life trying to get people to stay, even if they were bad for me, whether they were friends, boyfriends, or relatives. I did all sorts of things (many that I am not proud of) to be what they needed, ignoring myself. Which is what I think the song is really about, or how I interpreted it.

Stay - Sugarland

I’ve been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall
And I’ve been laying here praying, praying she won’t call
It’s just another call from home
And you’ll get it and be gone and I’ll be crying

And I’ll be begging you, baby, beg you not to leave
But I’ll be left here waiting with my heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we’ll be here
Seems like a million years and I think I’m dying
What do I have to do to make you see she can’t love you like me?

Why don’t you stay? I’m down on my knees
I’m so tired of being lonely, don’t I give you what you need?
When she calls you to go, there is one thing you should know
We don’t have to live this way, baby, why don’t you stay? Yeah

You keep telling me, baby there will come a time
When you will leave her arms and forever be in mine
But I don’t think that’s the truth
And I don’t like being used and I’m tired of waiting
It’s too much pain to have to bear to love a man you have to share

Why don’t you stay? I’m down on my knees
I’m so tired of being lonely, don’t I give you what you need?
When she calls you to go, there is one thing you should know
We don’t have to live this way, baby, why don’t you stay?

I can’t take it any longer but my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can’t waste another minute after all that I’ve put in it
I’ve given you my best, why does she get the best of you?
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine

Why don’t you stay? I’m up off my knees
I’m so tired of being lonely, you can’t give me what I need
When she begs you not to go, there is one thing you should know
I don’t have to live this way, baby, why don’t you stay? Yeah, oh

This is sorta my anthem. It’s the song I listen to when I need encouragement. It’s one of the most amazing scenes I’ve ever seen in theatre. It’s from my first professional show. If you look at the words, you’ll notice the song is about never giving up and going for your goals. That is exactly what I intend to do. :D

Defying Gravity - Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth (Wicked)

GLINDA
(spoken) Elphaba - why couldn’t you have stayed calm for
once, instead of flying off the handle!
(sung) I hope you’re happy!
I hope you’re happy now
I hope you’re happy how you
Hurt your cause forever
I hope you think you’re clever!

ELPHABA
I hope you’re happy
I hope you’re happy, too
I hope you’re proud how you
Would grovel in submission
To feed your own ambition

BOTH
So though I can’t imagine how
I hope you’re happy right now

GLINDA
(spoken) Elphie, listen to me. Just say you’re sorry:
(sung) You can still be with the Wizard
What you’ve worked and waited for
You can have all you ever wanted:

ELPHABA
(spoken) I know:
(sung) But I don’t want it -
No - I can’t want it
Anymore:

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by the rules
Of someone else’s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It’s time to try
Defying gravity
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
And you can’t pull me down!

GLINDA
Can’t I make you understand?
You’re having delusions of grandeur:

ELPHABA
I’m through accepting limits
‘Cuz someone says they’re so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I’ll never know!
Too long I’ve been afraid of
Losing love I guess I’ve lost
Well, if that’s love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I’d sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I’m defying gravity
And you can’t pull me down:
(spoken) Glinda - come with me. Think of what we could
do: together.

(sung) Unlimited
Together we’re unlimited
Together we’ll be the greatest team
There’s ever been
Glinda -
Dreams, the way we planned ‘em

GLINDA
If we work in tandem:

BOTH
There’s no fight we cannot win
Just you and I
Defying gravity
With you and I
Defying gravity

ELPHABA
They’ll never bring us down!
(spoken) Well? Are you coming?

GLINDA
I hope you’re happy
Now that you’re choosing this

ELPHABA
(spoken) You too
(sung) I hope it brings you bliss

BOTH
I really hope you get it
And you don’t live to regret it
I hope you’re happy in the end
I hope you’re happy, my friend:

ELPHABASo if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
“Ev’ryone deserves the chance to fly!”
And if I’m flying solo
At least I’m flying free
To those who’d ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I’m flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I’ll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

GLINDA
I hope you’re happy!

CITIZENS OF OZ
Look at her, she’s wicked!
Get her!

ELPHABA
:Bring me down!

CITIZENS OF OZ
No one mourns the wicked
So we’ve got to bring her

ELPHABA
Ahhh!

CITIZENS OF OZ
Down!

Stay tuned for the next installment. :D

Dear Brain,

Dear Brain,

I understand that it is difficult, however, I would appreciate your cooperation. It's finals week and it's imperative that I have your assistance. Thursday afternoon you are allowed to shut down. For an entire month!

Sincerely,

Jill

Jump On It

My friend and I are having a video war... This was her last attack... is it weird or what?

Here is the ensuing conversation:

Me: Where the hell did you find something like this??? It's so stinking weird.
Her: I KNOW!!!!! :P
Me: Maybe I should start dressing up like a Pocahontas wannabe... then I'd be cool.
Her: You're already cool in my book
Me: YAY! But seriously... talk about the Thanksgiving spirit :P
Her: hahahahaha! It was crazy. Send me a good one.
Me: I don't know if I can top this... I'mma try though... *scours the interwebz*
Her:hahahahaha!!
Me: It's complete with awkward groin shots and everything!
Her: I KNOW!!! :D

*squeal*

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!

I am so so happy and excited and elated and fantastic! About 4:45 today, Dr. Beach told me that if I think I can handle it that I can stage manage BOTH SHOWS next semester!

Obviously, it was a YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then, I jumped around like a crazy person for a couple of hours.

This really bothers me...

My seventeen year-old brother's girlfriend (age 16) has started calling her self Mrs. (insert our last name). They've been dating ten months. She refused to have ANYTHING to do with anyone in the family (excluding my brother obviously), but she is using our family name?

So tonight

is ridiculously slow. It is 6:50 and we’ve not seen a soul outside of the cast and crew. Usually, people start showing up at like 6:30 and harass me until we open the box office at 6:45 for tickets. 

This place is dead. Which is really sad for theatre people and theatre in general. Saturday night and only about 15 tickets have been sold/reserved.

FML

Future Plans and Such

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking. About life, about the future. You know, my career, my goals, my ambitions, etc.

I love theatre and I love stage managing. I get such a rush from calling a show. There's no feeling like it. However, it's stressful and exhausting. I also realize that professional stage management is going to be a lot more time consuming than educational. Hell, even graduate school stage managing is going to take more time than undergrad. I've been looking at grad schools for Stage Management, and may still do it. I do love it.

I also really enjoy costuming and make-up. I LOVE doing the research for it. I've got to work some more on the actual construction of costumes. But, hey! I'm nineteen. I have time. I enjoy creating characters, and costuming/make-up is another way to do that. However, another huge time commitment.

Here's my dilemma. I want children. I want to settle down and I want a family. I need this. This is going to be extremely difficult with a career in theatre, particularly stage management.

I've been tossing this idea around for awhile.

My town has two colleges, but there is very little to do in this town. It's located in a dry county (no alcohol), so a lot of the chain restaurants will not open establishments here. We have a hookah lounge that was opened last spring, and that has boomed! There is also a cafe that has opened. They do things like karaoke and live music too. But still there is very little to do in this town. Supposedly, the city is building a movie theatre at some point, but we'll see.

Anyway, there is no coffee shop or bookstore (excluding campus bookstores) in town. For a college town, this is shameful. Well, I've been thinking. Maybe, just maybe. I would like to open up a coffee shop/bakery/used bookstore in town. This way I would be able to raise and homeschool my children. I would have time for them! The coffee shop would let me have steady income and I could still work on my photography and writing. I could also do community theatre if I so desired.

We could have events, like poetry slams or live music. We could have art showings or a gallery [though there is a gallery in town ].

Am I totally lame?

Life Is Good

I think my mom is more excited about my trip to Europe than I am. It's so funny. She called the other day just to tell me about some of the neat scrap-booking stuff that she had found. And that she'd already gotten me half a dozen memory cards for my camera.
More on Europe, we're staying two days longer than originally planned. Why? Because it will be cheaper to stay those two extra days than not! Really! I was like 0.o though I won't complain. And I will be spending my twentieth birthday in Florence, Italy!

Today was the workday for Lend Me A Tenor. It was a lot of fun, and for once, I wasn't on lighting! I worked props with Emily. I'm so excited! Next week is tech!

Then, I spoke briefly to one of my professors at the workday. The subject: My stage management TPT that I've been waiting FOREVER to take. It's definitely a go. Though, I need to ask him about contracting it as an honors class.

And while we were on lunch break, I got to talking to a friend of mine. He's going to be helping to head up a new performing arts camp over the summer and they need volunteers. Guess who will probably be spending a lot of time with high school girls? Also, I may get to stage manage Godspell while working at the camp. We'll see how it goes. I've still got to look into summer stock theatre as the companies begin posting dates.

And then, Andrea and I went and took some night photos. (Prepare... They are on their way.) While we were taking pictures, we came up with an idea for another photoshoot, entitled Antebellum. It will be epic. Afterwords, we came back to my place to work on costuming collages (which will be posted once they are finished).

Then came the icing on the cake:
While we were working, the boy called me. Why? "Hey There Delilah" came on the radio and he felt the need to call and sing it to me. It took me a minute to realize what was going on and whether or not it was a pocket call. It was awesome. I've never felt more special in my life.

Life is fantastic.

Europe

So, I spoke to my mom over the weekend. I am definitely going to Europe in May with the Honors College. We’re going to England, France, and Italy. I’ll know more of the specifics after Thursday. I’m so excited! Consider this a VERY EARLY warning of photo spam. I also have two photo shoots coming up.

My first actual shoots, rather than just having my camera and spur of the moment inspiration with my friends. Andrea and I are going to try to do something Sunday afternoon and Stephanie has agreed to model for me when the leaves start to turn. (If you didn’t know, they are absolutely gorgeous girls.)

Lend Me A Tenor is also getting closer and closer to Tech and Dress! Eek!!

Seriously...

*singing loudly and off-key*

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows. If I fail, if I succeed at least I live as I belieeeeveeee! No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignityyyyyy!!!


*Obama and congress tax dignity*

What?! NOOOOOOOO *sob* OOOOOO

Cast!

Lend Me A Tenor has been cast and we have a fantastic cast if I do say so myself. I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To The Man In My Life

I know that I'm hard to win over. Though, you've won me over. I'm just not ready to admit it. Thank you for being patient with me. I appreciate that you're willing to wait out this hurt.

I do love you.

I just need time.

Freaking the Fuck Out

Guys are crawling out of the woodwork. Now I’m panicking. Why am I suddenly so interesting?

*cries*

Someone help me.

Give Me Five Monday

Five Memorable Things

1. Had poetry written specifically about and/or for me.

2. Stage Managed a play

3. Worked the fly system for the fall in URINETOWN.

4. Fallen in and out of love.

5. Danced in the rain with two of my closest friends.

It's A Girl Thing!

I had to show my dad how to open a barrette this evening. Apparently, he’s been messing with the thing for the past month or so. He finally asked me if I knew how to work it. I popped the thing open before he had the time to say anything else. He started laughing hysterically. He’d never thought to squeeze it, because when you squeeze things, they typically tighten. He said it was the only thing he’d not done. And that it was embarrassing, because he’s an engineer.

If I Could Only Tell You...

1. You've given me feelings that I thought he destroyed. I never thought I would even CONSIDER looking at another man, but here I am... Pretty sure that I enjoy your company more than I thought possible, wanting to spend time with you, wanting to talk to you, to make your bad days better. And I want that back. I'm so scared to move forward with us, because of HIM. It really has nothing to do with you, but whenever I start to act on what I am feeling, my chest seizes up and I feel like running. Please be patient... I'm trying...

2. You destroyed me. End of discussion. I regret everything about us. I regret even meeting you. Even now, I am tending the wounds you inflicted. I can only hope that as your memory fades, the scars will too.

3. Hun, I love you to death, but shut up already. You whine about silly things constantly. I cannot spend our entire friendship comforting you or assuring you.

4. I almost called you to ask you to come home, because you were breaking Dad's heart. Then, it dawned on me. We are all better off without you. Stay away.

5. You're a great friend. I love talking to you, teasing you. Take good care of your little girl, though. Her mother is not going to take good care of her. You know this.

6. WHO THE HELL ASKS FOR MONEY VIA FACEBOOK STATUS TO PAY THEIR BILLS?!?!

7. If you want to believe his lies, fine. You know both of us. I can't stop his lies, but I can stop you throwing them at me. Peace!

8. No. I'm not surprised that you are 17, pregnant, and completely alone. I've always known you'd wind up that way.

9. Please. Stay with me. Don't leave.

10. SHUT UP! You are not right and when you attack me, you only look like an idiot.

Music... The Ultimate Cure-All

Jill: Just breathe, Hun. It'll be fine. Honest.
Andrea: "The hills are alive, with the sound of music. With songs they have sung for a thousand years..."
Jill: So, whenever we have boy trouble, we're gonna sing?
Andrea: Sure, if it helps.

Excuse Me While I Dance For Joy...

Dr. Beach e-mailed me yesterday to ask if I was interested in stage managing LEND ME A TENOR. The answer was… DUH! Though, I worded it prettier than that.

*SQUEALS*

We Have The Weirdest Convos.

Andrea: Patrick Stewart...
Jill: Patrick Dempsey.
Andrea: We're talking about old men.
Jill: He is old for us. He's like forty.
Andrea: I meant like over fifty.
Jill: So, we're talking about men who are like senior citizens.

Because This Honestly Bugs Me...

KMart just stole PetSmart’s slogan! They said “There’s smart, then there’s KMart Smart” UM! No! Then there’s PetSmart!!! I used to work at PetSmart and I had to listen to that damn slogan ALL day! You do not get to steal it! Not cool, KMart, not cool.

Off To The Nunnery!

Andrea: GAH!!! HATE MEN! I’m joining a convent! In Austria! Then I can sing in the living hills and possibly meet a nice Austrian captain with eight children that need a mother.”

This artwork completed by Jill

Later:

Andrea: I still think I'm going to be a nun. Will you be my Sister, sister?

Jill: Yes, until I decide men are worth my time again
Andrea: Well if this man of mine decides he's not, then we WILL move to a convent!

Jill: Deal.

Andrea: Does HSU have a degree in nunnery?

Jill: We can sure find out!

Andrea: And if not, it's off to Austria. Do you think they'll let two Protestants join?

Jill: We'll lie and say we're Catholic. Catholicism is built off of guilt. We'll just confess once we're nuns to the priest in the confession booth. He can't tell anyone.

This artwork completed by Andrea.

Letter

Lyrics of Melissa Williamson - Letter - From the Lost Days :


A letter to my future self,

Am I still happy? I began,

Have I grown up pretty?

Is daddy still a good man?



Am I still freinds with Colleen?

I'm sure that I'm still laughing,

Aren't I?

Aren't I?



Hey there to my future self,

If you forget how to smile,

I have this to tell you,

Remember it once in a while...



Ten years ago your past self,

Prayed for your happiness,

Please don't,

lose hope...



Ohhh...

Oh what a pair, me and you;

put here,

to feel joy, not be blue.



Sad times,

And bad times, see them through;

Soon we will know,

If it's for real,



What we'll both feel...



Though i can't know for sure,

How things worked out for us,

No matter how hard it gets,

You have to realise,

We weren't put on this earth to suffer, And cry...

We were made to be happy...

So be happy...

For me, for you...



Please...



Ohhh, what a pair, me and you

Put here,

To feel joy, not be blue;

Sad times,

And bad times, see them though;

Soon we will know,

If it's for real,



What we both feel...



We were put here on this earth, put here to feel joy,

We were put here on this earth, put here to feel joy,

We were put here on this earth, put here to feel joy,

We were put here on this earth, put here to feel joy.

More of my brother's logic

My brother is stacking wood onto the fire in our yard, using a method my dad taught him so that it doesn't roll all over the place.

Dad: Now don't stack it fifty feet high, son.

Cheston: It's you're fault if I do.

Jill: His fault? How is it his fault?

Cheston: because he taught me how.

Ah, teenage logic. :)

Things I've Realized My First Year of College

1. I am an adult and capable of caring for myself, even if I don't always want to play grown-up.

2. I do still need my parents after all. I'm grateful to have them in my life and that they let me call them crying when I'm struggling with the adult bit.

3. Crying is allowed.

4. I don't need a man. I am an independent woman who can handle herself and needs her freedom.

5. I do enjoy public speaking. A Lot.

6. People will always be stupid. I need to relax, because I can't increase their intelligence. :P

7. Being able to prove your point and having evidence will almost always lead to winning a debate.

8. The only man a girl can depend on is her daddy.

9. Friends are like the air you breathe. You may get frustrated with each other and you may argue, but you will always need your friends.

10. Dancing at the dam with the girls is more fun than any party.

11. I DO like my nose after all. (Thanks to make-up class.)

12. Caffeine is your friend.

13. You will miss your family, even if you swear you won't ever look back. They'll also forgive you for being nuts.

14. There IS a God and he is wonderful!

15. You will not enjoy waking up for eight AM classes, but you will enjoy having your entire day to do with as you please.

16. Dressing in nicer attire makes you feel better. People also take you more seriously if you are dressed nicely.

17. The world would be much nicer if my friends and I ran it. :D

18. Heels always make you feel attractive.

19. Confidence leads to happiness.

20. Don't procrastinate and keep assignments straight!

True Artistic Tastes

(While listening to one of Emily's wierd, new CDs)

Tara: He sounds like he's Irish or Australian.

Jill: He sounds like he's dying.

My friends and I are awesome.
Here is another example of our awesomeness:

Tara: Her hair doesn't look real.

Jill: She's a celebrity. It's not supposed to.

Why Girls Get Colder Easier.

My seventeen year-old brother's theory behind why girls get colder easier than boys.

God made girls colder so that they would hug boys and hold their hands even though they're disgusting.

"Oh, you're warm. I kinda like you after all."

:D

The Baby Factory

Jill: I'm willing to settle down after grad school, because at that point I can either go stage manage or teach university. So, I'm leaving that window open, though I probably won't take it.

Andrea: Well, the baby factory starts closing then.

Jill: I thought it didn't close until I was like forty.

Andrea: Well, it does, but once you hit thirty, well... They start letting people go.

Just Desserts

Tonight was the awards ceremony for the CTA department! YAY!! It was fun. Lots of awards, lots of food, and lots of lovely people.

I got an award by the way! :D

*is uber proud*

Stressed

So, why is it okay for everyone else to be stressed when they only have one assignment due, but when I have one paper, one essay, two schematics, a flat, a mask, half a workbook, and a portfolio due I'm overreacting? I'm really getting fed up with having to deal with people's constant whining and complaining when they really don't have all that much to do. If they would just sit down and do it instead of goofing off on facebook or staying out until all hours of the night. I've slept maybe eight hours in the past two nights, I'm exhausted and today will be another late night. Did I mention that my stagecraft professor sent out an e-mail today informing the class that we had to strike the dance company stuff? *cries*

Oh, wait, I can't get frustrated... I'm Jill, which means I can handle anything, plus listen to everyone and their dog bitch. GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm also expected to help everyone else with their stuff too.

USITT Elections

Today was the final meeting of the year for U.S.I.T.T.
We discussed plans for next year and held elections for executive positions.

I'm the chair!

Extremely Bored

You Are a Painting

You are a passionate person. You see the emotional undertones that others miss. Compared to other people, you are sentimental. You allow yourself to feel everything. Believe that art should capture the beauty and mood of a moment. The best art speaks to your heart. It makes you smile, dream, or even cry.

What Type of Art Are You?

You Are a Brainy Girl!

Whether you're an official student or a casual learner, you enjoy hitting the books. You know a little bit about everything, and you're always dying to know more. For a guy to win your heart, he's got to share some of your intellectual interests. A awesome book collection of his own doesn't hurt either!

What Kind of Girl Are You?

You Are in the Anal Stage of Development

According to Dr. Freud, you are stuck in the anal stage of development. If your parents didn't discipline you enough as a young child, you may be messy, reckless, and defiant. If your parents disciplined you too severely as a young child, you may be uptight, stingy, and passive aggressive. No matter where you fall, you are likely to have a few problems with authority.

What Freudian Stage Are You In?

Closing Night

Urinetown closes tonight and it's been a great run. Granted, there have been times when I've not thought that, but as a whole, it's been fantastic.

We have wound up selling out six out of seven nights. The only reason we didn't sell out last Saturday was because it was Easter weekend.

:)

This is Urinetown!

So, let me tell you about the past three days.

Wednesday was Final Dress and boy, was it eventful! We'd been on headset, preparing to start the run, when there is a scream on headset. (If you've ever heard a scream on headset, it hurts!) Then there is more squealing coming from the same girl (our light op) and our stage manager. Then there is hysterical laughter and shushing coming from the stage manager. There was a bat in the booth! And it had landed on our light op! Poor girl, her name on headset is now "Batty" or "Bats."

Then, one of the spot lights started sqeaking and in an attempt to fix it, the operator broke it (not really, it just came off it's pipe).

Later, near the end of the run, Senator Fipp hit his knee HARD on the door frame as he was trying to run around towards his next entrance. There was a skidmark that was almost three feet long. And there is one hell of a dent in the door.


Last night was opening night and it was fantastic! The cast and crew did a fantastic job! Even though the fog machine didn't always want to cooperate. The audience was a great audience as well, they were very much into the show. AND IT WAS A FULL HOUSE!!! We sold out! And this morning, the VP of Academic Affairs sent an e-mail to all of the faculty telling them how wonderful the show was and encouraging them to come see it!

As of this moment, I am printing off 500 more programs. We are going to sell out tonight as well. :D

Did I mention that the Arkansas Democrat listed the HSU production of Urinetown as one of the top ten things to do in Arkansas this weekend! We were number six!!!
http://www2.arkansasonline.com/news/2009/apr/09/weekend-20090409/

While I am posting articles, here is the one that was published in The Oracle.
Ignore the author and his many mistakes; he's an idiot.

http://media.www.hsuoracle.com/media/storage/paper927/news/2009/03/30/News/Drama.Department.To.Present.urinetown-3687256.shtml

Hell Week

It's Hell Week for Urinetown. That's the reason I haven't updated. I am UBER busy and totally stressed. Plus, I'm getting frustrated and may not be able to hold my tongue.

*SCREAMS*

Keep me in your prayers...

I need to survive.

It's Official!

Our charter for the Henderson chapter of USITT came yesterday!! We are official! When Mr. Henshaw opened it, he came into the studio theatre calling my name. I literally squealed when I saw it! It's exciting!! (Yes, I am that big of a dork! I AM THRILLED!)

Kidnapped!

I dreamed about Emilie again.

There was some evil guy at the head of an evil organization who kept trying to kidnap her and take her away from me. We set up a trap. There was a whole group of us dressed in yellow ponchos and we called the evil guy from a payphone. I was holding her the entire time. I don't know why we were wearing yellow ponchos, because it was a gorgeous spring day. Suddenly, I wasn't holding her anymore. I ran around in mud puddles looking for her, yelling for her. She had been nabbed. On a path, not far from the payphone, we thought we saw her. There was a man in a yellow poncho holding the hand of a child wearing a similar yellow poncho. We ran up to them, grabbed the kid... and it wasn't her... it was a little blonde boy. I ran everywhere looking for her, calling her name. Then, I realized I was on the HSU South Lawn and had to go to stagecraft. I was a mess. My friend Stephanie said she was coming with me, because I couldn't be alone right then. I walked into stagecraft and started crying.

No Heat, Bats, and Mold

I have had it with this damn school. I love the theatre department and I'm glad I'm here, but I hate administration.

They planned their budget wrong, so they froze all accounts. Luckily, we found a loophole so the show is still a go. :) Everyone knows you plan your budget based on your previous year's earnings, not on what you expect to make during the current year. That is what we call counting your hens before they hatch. (They had to freeze the theatre funds and others, yet they can build a new rec center. Go figure.)

Anyway, this week has been freaking cold. I have heard that Arkansas weather is nuts, but I didn't believe it until I moved her. Seriously, it was in the seventies for two days and then dropped to the thirties for the majority of the week, now it's in the sixties again (and dropping)! Not the point of my story though. Because we had those freak warm days, the school turned off the heat in our dorm building. It was THIRTY degrees most of the week. Their excuse? It's supposed to be warm. The real reason is that their about a million dollars in debt and looking to cut corners. Anything they can get away with cutting is going bye-bye.

Also, the bathrooms have mold in them. ALL of the bathrooms have mold in them. Above the showers. Residence life claims it's dead, it's not growing anymore. It is! Instead of it just being one panel, like it was at the beginning of the year, it is creeping on the surrounding ceilings. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! Seriously, though, it's really, really bad for my asthma.

Also, I got stuck in the elevator the other day. GAH! It happened to other girls too. It was only on the eighth floor, we couldn't get it to go down, so we picked up the phone to get help. THEY PUT US ON HOLD! WE WERE STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR!!! (With increasing pressure on our bladders) Luckily, it finally went to a lower floor.

Oh! And my best friend has bats in her room! BATS!!! We can hear them, but because we can't prove that they are there, they won't do anything. They have seen them in the RA's room. They haven't called animal control, because they are endangered. They could have rabies for crying out loud!!!

Red Hat Club

So, last night, I forgot to mention the group of thirteen who got up in THE MIDDLE OF SCENE and walked out. Anyone who has read The Shape of Things, written by Neil Labute, knows that there is a good deal of cursing and a scene with some sexual situations. Anyway, we have warnings that the show is rated for mature audiences on the posters, on the box office windows, in the program, and then they are informed when reserving tickets, purchasing them, and picking them up. There is no way in hell anybody could say we didn't warn them.

But these women did.

They were so offended by the language, and appalled by the bedroom scene where Evelyn is in her bra and panties that they walked out. They came to the box office and looked at the poster and asked me where there was a warning posted and I showed them the poster and the window on the box office (which is where I basically live, it feels like). One woman said that her son had attended Henderson, so she knew that some of the girls here were "hot to trot." Because she plays a mature role and has a scene like the bedroom scene, obviously means that our lead (Playing Evelyn) has no morals. *rolls eyes*

They also made the comment that the ex-president, who they were seated near, must have been absolutely apalled that we would present such a show. At intermission, he was informing our Director of Theatre how much their lack of manners disgusted him. :D He became so much cooler in my eyes.

And The Results Are In...

I did not get the job with AST. :(

In fact, I found out via their facebook page, while my friend was called twice to ensure he was aware that he didn't have the job.

So, I will be taking a summer class or two and working at a sleazy little restaurant. :)

Interview

So I had my interview with Arkansas Shakes yesterday.

Now comes the really hard part... WAITING.

*nerves*

Nothing To Lose

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
Steve Jobs

What's Another Day?

Life has been hectic. Interesting. Crazy.

Can you believe that I actually kinda miss Stephen? After all he did, I still long to be held by him. Yet, the other part of me wants to strangle him. I'm still hurt. And it still hurts to think about, like a stabbing pain in the very center of my chest. I'm such a silly little girl.
My mom says that it's to be expected. Andrea does too. I had been with him for almost two years, right? Mom says to stay busy, because right now I am at my most vulnerable.

Urinetown is starting to really come together. I am so proud of them, well most of them. Bobby has really surprised me, turns out he can sing. Pretty well, actually. Hope is a diva... though that's to be expected. Everyone is doing FANTASTIC!

The Shape of Things had crew view tonight and that went really well. Stephanie and Jon are going to knock their socks off! Woot!

I have an interview Friday at five with the Arkansas Shakespeare Theatre for their summer festival. EEEEKKK!!!

In The Land Of Women

I'm on the plane out here, and I open my computer and I start reading these emails that I sent her, like 30 or more maybe, over the course of our relationship. And not just short messages, I'm talking about long, involved love letters. Like, desperately trying to be romantic and poetic, whatever and embarrassing as it is, it's also like, kind of the best stuff I've ever written. Because it's got this naive idealism thing going on where ours is going to be one of the greatest love stories ever told, and I'm writing it. So I'm sitting there and I'm reading these emails and there's some turbulence, and I start to have this massive panic attack, like nothing I've ever had, and I think it's happening because I can never imagine feeling that way about anybody else, ever again.

-> In The Land of Women

Lotsa Drama

Musicals that require joint cooperation between departments should not be allowed. AND WE NEED MORE (HONEST) PEOPLE AUDITIONING!

Get this, the night of auditions, our cast listed 12 conflicts. Guess how many there are now. 85! Can you believe that. And almost 1/4 of those are from our leading lady. GAH!!

And the attitudes! *bangs head into desk*

Despite the pain in the ass it is right now, I'm still having fun. Weird, huh?

And I'm uber excited.

Feel like I'm forgetting something.

So, I think I'm starting to finally heal. It's hard to believe that it was almost two months ago that I finally broke up with Stephen. And that I'm finally reaching the point where I'm not continually hurting. Don't get me wrong, it still hurts, but it's not an all-consuming pain. I'm not crying myself to sleep at night anymore. The nightmares have faded. I'm not full of rage. I don't wanna physically hurt Stephen or anyone anymore.
In fact, when I think of him, everything is kinda numb. There is still the dull pain in my chest and occasionally a flicker of anger. But for the most part, I don't feel much about it. Okay, and yes, a bit of sadness. I did love him, even if he didn't love me.
Even though all of this has been on hell of a rollercoaster, I am finally making it through the day without to much trouble. I've almost completely stopped mentioning him in conversation and I'm finding that he creeps into my mind a litte less each day.

I See a River

So, I didn't even get a callback for auditions.

But I got something even better!

I GET TO ASM Urinetown! Eeeeekkk!!!!

I'm ecstatic.

Back to the humdrum life...

And I'm excited! :P

Seriously, I never thought I would ever be excited to be going to school. I am ready for classes to start up again. Tomorrow night, a voice instructor will be assisting students in preparing for auditions on Tuesday. I'm excited for that as well. I've never auditioned before, but I've been practicing a lot and working hard at it. Hopefully, it will go well. If I get the role of Evelyn, I will flip a switch with ecstatic happiness. *crosses fingers*

I can't...

I can't. I can't. I can't.

I can't get over the hurt. I can't stop being angry. I just want to scream. I want to pull my hair and yell at the top of my lungs. No, I want to punch someone. Hard. Actually, I want to punch a certain someone. I want to make him hurt too. He says he hurts, but I want to physically hit him. I'm horrible, I know. He was fucking around with not one, but TWO other girls when he took my virginity. *screams* He keeps telling me how much he misses me, how much he loves me. How can he claim to love me when he's done what he's done? How can he claim to respect me when his actions are screaming that he's the most disrespectful, loathsome man alive?