I saw this secret and it immediately jumped out at me. Partly because I've been struggling with the secret myself for awhile. However, as time has progressed, I've grown much more comfortable with God.
My actual response to this secret is a flipped version.
Church makes me more uncomfortable than I know how to express. I love God. I want to do right. I want to worship Him. But church makes me awkward. I feel as though everyone there is watching me, judging me. I worry that they all know how much I have stumbled in my faith and in my relationship with Christ.
I know that sounds silly, but I go to church and there are all of these people who seem to have this undying, uncontrollable faith and love with God. And I won't lie. I don't have it. And I'm a little envious of their relationships with God, because I don't know how to strengthen mine.
As far as church goes, the music speaks to me much more than the actual sermon. Is that horrible? I feel much closer to Christ when we're singing and listening to the worship music than when I'm actually being taught.
Maybe I just don't like the idea of being taught.
And it's so much worse in larger churches, because there are so many people who seem to have this closer relationship with God. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for them and they have every right to be close to God. Aachhh... this is getting all jumbled in the blog; y'all probably won't understand a word of it. But it's just overwhelming, ya know?
And because there are so many of them, you don't really know anyone. There are no friends along the journey with Christ. At least, that's what it feels like. You don't know your neighbor's name and there's nobody to ask how you're doing. When you fall off the face of the planet, nobody notices.
*headdesk*
I'll just do individual Bible studies for now. Life is confusing. Faith is confusing.
But I do believe in God. With every fibre of my being, I do. And my faith is a comfort to me and has carried me through some rough times.
Which is why I feel so horrible that I seem to struggle so much in my faith.
I'll stop rambling for now.
1 comment:
You aren't the only one. And just because someone seems to have the perfect relationship with God doesn't mean that they do. We all have struggles, and no, we are not judging. I believe that everyone feels the same way.
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