Exerpt

"It was not so much that I had been blind to the truth. It was just that I had seen the truth differently. I was not able to cope with his flaws, so I twisted them, distorting them until he appeared to be an image of perfection."

An excerpt from the book I am writing based off a mistake.

Walk Back Just A Little Bit Faster

I've been uber busy lately getting ready for finals and my trip to Europe (I leave in a week!).

Anyway, I applied for an internship while I was at USITT. Well, I pretty much gave up on it after having not heard anything for awhile. Last week, I had a second interview and GOT THE JOB!!! I will spend six weeks in Houston working with the Ballet. I will get to call a dance performance or two, as well.

I'm a professional!!!

As mentioned earlier in this blog, I leave for Europe next Monday. I'm uber excited and cannot wait.

And, And... I got a Blackberry!!!

Oh, and I sorta failed at NaPoWriMo.

PostSecret

I'm going to do one of those annoying things where people respond/relate to a postcard on the website postsecret.com.


I saw this secret and it immediately jumped out at me. Partly because I've been struggling with the secret myself for awhile. However, as time has progressed, I've grown much more comfortable with God.

My actual response to this secret is a flipped version.

Church makes me more uncomfortable than I know how to express. I love God. I want to do right. I want to worship Him. But church makes me awkward. I feel as though everyone there is watching me, judging me. I worry that they all know how much I have stumbled in my faith and in my relationship with Christ.

I know that sounds silly, but I go to church and there are all of these people who seem to have this undying, uncontrollable faith and love with God. And I won't lie. I don't have it. And I'm a little envious of their relationships with God, because I don't know how to strengthen mine.

As far as church goes, the music speaks to me much more than the actual sermon. Is that horrible? I feel much closer to Christ when we're singing and listening to the worship music than when I'm actually being taught.

Maybe I just don't like the idea of being taught.

And it's so much worse in larger churches, because there are so many people who seem to have this closer relationship with God. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy for them and they have every right to be close to God. Aachhh... this is getting all jumbled in the blog; y'all probably won't understand a word of it. But it's just overwhelming, ya know?

And because there are so many of them, you don't really know anyone. There are no friends along the journey with Christ. At least, that's what it feels like. You don't know your neighbor's name and there's nobody to ask how you're doing. When you fall off the face of the planet, nobody notices.

*headdesk*

I'll just do individual Bible studies for now. Life is confusing. Faith is confusing.

But I do believe in God. With every fibre of my being, I do. And my faith is a comfort to me and has carried me through some rough times.

Which is why I feel so horrible that I seem to struggle so much in my faith.

I'll stop rambling for now.

Finalized Fall Schedule

MWF

9:00 Dramaturgy (3) - Gilpin

10:00 American National Gov't (3) - Dunn 2:00

Practicum (1) - Gilpin Wednesdays Only

T/R

9:30 Spanish I (3) - Mitchell

11:00 Stage Design (3) - Gilpin

1:30 Stage Management TPT (1) - Gilpin Thursdays Only

3:00 Creative Writing (3) - Beggs

Total = 17 Hours

So, it appears that each fall one professor gets an overload of me. Mr. Henshaw was stuck with me last year, Gilpin gets this upcoming fall. So, Beach gets my senior year?

wtf, dream world, wtf

We were having a performance of Much Ado. I get there and I cannot find our MASSIVE two-story set. I ask Gilpin where it is and he has moved it to Arkansas Hall Auditorium (about ten yards from where we are to there) and that I have to move it back alone. So, I'm freaking out, because I can't figure out how. Somehow, I did it. So, we are getting ready for the show and Jeff, who plays Borachio, has cat ears. I told him to take them off, because Dr. Beach, the director, would kill me. And he said, no, they were for another show and he wore real cat ears on stage. Then another actor, Josh, told me he was quitting. I told him he couldn't quit and after all there were only six more shows. And he said that he was going to do another single showcase, because he was tired of Much Ado. However, he went on stage, so I'm assuming he didn't quit. The show starts and suddenly there is an orangey-red glow everywhere. When I finally figure out what it is, the entire building is on fire, but I'm the only one who is worried/freaked out. The show goes on. Suddenly, (and I was semi-conscious at this part) everything is pitch black and I'm upset because I cannot find my light op. I don't know how to work the light board and the show is going on in complete darkness.(then I think I fell into a deeper sleep) Eventually, the lights come back on and I notice that the fountain onstage is gushing water (keep in mind it's only a shallow pull with half an inch of water in it normally), flooding the stage and the studio theatre. So, I have Margaret, Balthazar, Lady 1, and Lady 2 take rags and try to mop it up while in character so the show can go on, but the water keeps coming. The actors aren't getting wet, but there is SO much water. My ASM disappeared and I couldn't find him, but he was there somewhere. Then, our house manager was suddenly on stage trying to act while in street clothes and I'm freaking out, because I have NO IDEA what the hell is going on. The lights dim for a cue, but the aisle lights are on and I keep calling for them to be turned off, but they won't shut off. We somehow survive the performance and flash forward to next week. I'm at portfolio reviews with Dr. Beach and Gilpin, except they were one person. Dr. Beach is talking with Gilpin's voice. She tells me that I need to change my major, because I (and quote) "f***ing such" and can't stage manage anymore. I protest, I know I screwed up, but come on, look at what the show was like. And that I can do better, but I have nothing else in my life. And she is like, "You need to leave. You don't belong here." And I ask her what Mr. Henshaw (another theatre professor) thought and she was like "He's not coming. He hates you so much that he's not even coming to your portfolio review." Oh, and during this whole dream, I was hiding/being chased by my best friend and a stapler. I woke up, crying, freaking the hell out. It was bad. I did NOT take ANYTHING.

Fucking A

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. If I ever get the chance, I will destroy you, like you've done me. I will shake you if it is the last fucking thing I do. I swear it.

In other news, I'm at USITT this week, so I won't be on here as much and I won't have much time to respond or comment. I PROMISE I will as soon as I get back and to a regular computer.

Oh, and we figured out what causes my migraines. I am literally addicted to coffee. If I don't drink it, the headaches start and torment me until I can't move.

I don't think I will ever be a truly healthy, happy person.

I think I made a mistake. Again.

Wonder how my brain works?

Click here: http://chillyjilly23.deviantart.com/art/It-Never-Fades-154540167